Stranded in college, it sure felt like I had been, I was free in the world of opportunity with little to no guidance. No spiritual awareness, no faith in anything but material perception and romantic connections. I started to resent my parents. Learning more about who I was within, starting to feel out the things that I needed and what my love language is, resenting my parents because I thought they should’ve known how to speak this language and be fluent in it.
The truth was that those romantic connections tainted or you might say, expanded the language that my parents had been speaking to me for so long. I began playing out what I’ve learned from them and what I saw them as in my relationships and most of my behavior was emotionally and physically unhealthy as my lovers would give attention and call me out about most of it. Being stubborn, I resisted their corrections because I had no reason to change who I had always been, or so I thought. Not until I reached the peak of my cheating, lying, and verbal abuse, did I realize that I had deep, internal issues that needed to be solved. Solved, because the problems affected my wellness and that of people whom I truly cared for.
I remember when the phase of solving these problems began, it was in a sweet Piscean romance. He was my reflection, as I am Pisces as well. Also, similar backgrounds we shared, I knew him well.
“You took me riding in your rocket, gave me a star
but at a half a mile from heaven, you dropped me back
down to this cold, cold world.”
As Stevie knew what a feeling of disappointment was and sang it beautifully, he was able to speak for me because I could not say a thing once this sweet romance was briefly interrupted by the disappearance of everything that I had been receiving from this lover. One day here and enamored, the next, gone and my heart was shattered. I tried to laugh about it while I changed my hair, twice, worked harder at work and school, and partook in one of nature’s most cherished herbs in hopes of understanding why I had been ghosted and how I was going to catch my breath underwater again. I got my first tattoo and felt no pain, I was lost in the Black.
I can never forget the question that this lover asked me sometime before he disappeared, “How do you affirm your spirituality?” Up until that text message, I had been swiftly responding to everything he sent. That question set me back, set me down, and made me still. I had no practice, no ritual, no attention to my highest self. I was low and unaware and even though this person soon showed me the way to my shadow self, he also showed me that the light was there. In retrospect, the biggest heartbreak helped to save me from drowning in hell.
Once I started to pick myself up again, an Angel by the name of Gabriel came into my life and helped me clean up everything that was a mess. My health, my wellness, my family, my whole world. He was a pure reflection of self in Leo-human form and a constant reminder that the work is never done and purpose is always there.
Fast forwarding to almost two years after, I decided not to be stranded at college with no guidance anymore and I also let go of the work environment from hell. I wanted better for myself and to let go of worldly pressures that kept me stagnant and living under cloud 12. Gabriel was also there the day when I spoke up from my intuition and said, “I want to be a Doula.” He was there when my journey of assisting life began.
These experiences are important factors in my journey of being a Doula because that resentment that I had toward the actions and beliefs of my parents started to be completely stripped on this journey. I could not wholly and successfully assist in caring for, welcoming, and uplifting life for women and their families if I didn’t know how to do it on my own. Connections and emotional relationships with women who are harvesting life kept me in states of constant reflection of the foundation and progression of my own family. To also add that if I too want to be a mother someday, emotional, mental, and spiritual strains on my life had to be healed.
Mentally, I’ve learned to take my time with my thoughts and to discover the root of them before fully believing that they are aligned with my core. I’ve learned to listen more closely and intentionally to those spirits and souls that speak to me, especially in confidence that I am with them to respect and honor what they say.
Emotionally, I’ve become more intelligent about dealing with my feelings. I’ve learned to let them flow where they need to go, allow them through my soul, then intentionally reflect on where they are rooted and how they affect my being. I’ve learned not to project the ill of my feelings onto other lights due to lack of self-control. I’ve learned that not every being process emotions the same way and to be compassionate and respectful of that truth.
Spiritually, I’ve reconnected to my source. My intuition is a direct channel from my source that is the Most-High Creator and giver of life. Through exploring barriers and levels of human-made limitations, I’ve been able to reconnect, accept, forgive, and trust the core of my being that is a reflection of my light, my highest self, and the Most-High Creator.
My role as a Doula reaffirmed these lessons and understandings. I have to be a light, I have to shine my light, I am light and for righteousness due to the Most-High. With assisting mothers, I’ve learned intensely that not everyone’s love language is or can be the same but as humans, we all require the same things and that is support, affection, assistance, guidance, and attention from loved ones, but not at the cost of necessarily taking anything away from one another, yet meaningful and fulfilling exchanges of love and light. I’ve learned to honor family, foundation, and faith through this journey. I no longer resent my parents or harbor dishonest feelings or behavior. I choose compassion and understanding to help me through the practice of loving unconditionally, to be a higher living being, a better daughter, a better friend, a better leader. I choose resistance yet peace for those things that are placed in my path to engage me back down the path of confusion in darkness with trust in a higher purpose and my divinity.
I’m so very grateful and filled with gratitude for once being depressed, for understanding resentment, for enduring heartbreak, for meeting my shadow darkness, for being at low vibrations of my being, had I not known myself in these ways, I would not have reconnected with my light. I would not be able to trust and give thanks to my creator for life, lessons, love, and divine connections. I am thankful to those partners who showed me my own honest reflection and didn’t hold back on showing me how my actions and words made them feel. I am thankful to the women who allow me to assist them in their lives while caring for and welcoming their children into this realm. I am extremely thankful for my parents for being who they are, for being patient with my progress and loving me, regardless of my resentment toward them. I hold no such feelings anymore and through new practices of unconditionally loving, I push to honor them in my ways and legacy. My journey of being a Doula is helping me become heavenly and I love this life.